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Nothing but heavy breathing

June 2, 2013

It has been a while since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write.  I haven’t been doing well lately and I just couldn’t bring myself to blog.  For the last several weeks, I have felt tired, exhausted, depressed, and obsessed with eating.  I started feeling my usual thyroid symptoms of a sore neck, hoarse voice, and an overall achy feeling.  I had a standing order at the lab to get my blood work so I figured now was the time to check it out.  When my endo, “Dr. Mac”, tested me three months ago, my TSH was .028.  This is in the hyper range and he was expecting me to bounce back to a normal level soon.  No treatment  was prescribed other than me starting anti-anxiety meds that my OB prescribed because I thought I was having postpartum depression (PPD).

My blood work came back on Monday and this time my TSH is .01.  This is even more hyper than last time so I got a call from Dr. Mac’s office and went to see him that day.  I told him how crummy I was feeling and that I had experienced what I thought was PPD.  I even went into details about how low of a dark place I was in a few months ago and that it had really scared me.  My eyes filled with tears as I admitted to him what had gone on in my head.  It was difficult to admit and to hear myself actually say it.  We discussed my treatment options for Grave’s disease and he suggested starting a medicine to help stop my thyroid from over producing.

The next day I happened to have a follow-up appointment with my OB/GYN, the one that had prescribed my “happy pills”.  By the way, this OB is amazing!  She makes you feel like you are her friend and I knew I could really open up to her.  We discussed my current condition.  I was confused.  I  was feeling so good after starting the low-dose of anti-anxiety meds a few months ago and all of a sudden I find myself struggling again.  She viewed all my labs and told me she believes my mood problems are related to my thyroid and if we can get it leveled out, then I should notice a difference in my mood.  I sure hope she’s right!

The point of all this is that I don’t feel well and it is really hard to get motivated to exercise or be healthy when feeling so crummy.  But I force myself to get out there and run as often as I can.  I’ve started running with some pretty special friends and that is always fun.  Finding an exercise partner makes it easier to go for many reasons…socializing, someone to push you to run faster, an excuse to leave the house!  But one night I went alone for a 4 mile hill run.

On this run I kept thinking about this talk I had recently heard at church.  A women was speaking about her “quiet spot”.  You know, the place where your brain shuts down and it’s just quiet?  The place where good ideas come to you and answers to prayers are heard.  For this woman, it was in the shower.  That night on my run, I realized that running alone is my “quiet spot”.  I hear nothing but heaving breathing and my feet on the pavement.  My mind is clear.  I feel human.  I don’t feel tired.  I feel normal.  I get bright ideas and answers to prayers in the middle of that heavy breathing rhythm.  I am at peace and happy.  And when I’m done, I don’t feel sad.  I truly believe that running is my natural antidepressant and that I need to force myself to partake in that quiet time a little more often.  It makes me a better person, mommy, and wife.  It is my lifeline.

I hope you know where your quiet spot is and remember to tap into it. Remember to take time to listen to your thoughts and to ponder what is going on in your life.  Take time to have a clear mind and to refresh yourself.  And when you do feel a little “off”, don’t beat yourself up over it.  There are a billion things that can change our moods and have a huge impact on our mindset.  Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to talk to someone. Take care and I’ll definitely take time to write more this week.

 

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6 Comments
  1. Crystal permalink

    What a frustrating journey. Inspiring description of finding your “quiet spot”! So many people talk about meditating, which I just can’t get into. A solo walk is my amazing outlet for looking inward. This is a nice reminder to make that happen more often. It’s so hard to carve out solo time!

    • Thanks for the comment Crystal! It is hard! Walking is great and knowing where you can find clarity is half the battle:)

  2. Molly permalink

    I really liked this, Eme. I don’t think I have a quiet spot that I go to. Maybe my garden sometimes. Communing with nature and seeing the literal watermelon fruits of my labor. Digging my hands into the dirt and then washing off with hose water. It wouldn’t take a thing to add some deep reflective thought in there, especially as I’m pulling deep, penetrating weads. Hope you feel better soon.

    • Thanks Molly! Gardening is awesome! Definitely go “quiet” next time. I think it is really hard to shut our brains off though. For me, it just happens with running. Thanks for the comment too!

  3. becca permalink

    So sorry to hear about your health struggles, that is never easy. Running is a quiet spot for me also. In fact, if I haven’t gone running for a while my hubby usually says, “you haven’t been running lately have you?” Which really means, “you are starting to get cranky, bitty & psycho, you must not be getting running endorphins.” lol.

    • Becca, thanks for the comment! Yep, running is an amazing thing for me. And my health could be worse… Count your blessing, right? 🙂

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